ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
