true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
