just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We talked him into tasing himself.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
