New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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