her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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