I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
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that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
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They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?