apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
porn star boner night. come get it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
