I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size