Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
What did we do last night that was yellow?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate