im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.