There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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