I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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