just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
