**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
