I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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