Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
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I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
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Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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