you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
