On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?