soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
