I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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