I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
