i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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