if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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