i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
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You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
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I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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