I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
