i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
3 2 1 whiskey
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
