hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
