Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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