he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
