I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
