Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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