for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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