never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
