Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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