is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
