I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
