i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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