I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
