i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
