why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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