I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
