So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
