so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
