he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
