Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.