The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you traded sex for a burrito?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN