You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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