I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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