Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
