One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
