my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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