he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
