He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
