So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
