I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
