I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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