Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
