I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
