You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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