there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
