Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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