i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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