in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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