the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
