Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
