Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
